WTF Mother Nature!

So I woke up one fine morning recently only to discover my hormones had left the building. I looked everywhere, even under the bed. All that I found were my pet dust bunnies! No hormones. What really pisses me off is that they didn't even have the common courtesy to say good bye. We had been together for all those long years and not even a note or a text message. What kind of a break up is that?

As I was searching for my hormones under the bed I found something equally as startling. I woke up this one fine morning and I had belly fat! I swear I didn't have it the night before but there it was, a roll or a tire where my flat stomach had been. I didn't even have dessert the night before. How does that happen?

As with anything else in my life it only gets better! I bend down to pick something up from the floor but I can't reach it. My toes are out of reach. Mr flexibility evidently hitched a ride with the hormones when they snuck out overnight. Why is my body doing this to me?

Overnight I lost my hormones, I lost my flexibility and I gained a respectable roll of belly fat. Overnight! Pinkie swear! I woke up one fine morning to find my body had betrayed me. Are we sure it's Mother Nature? Would a woman really do this to another woman? I'm beginning to think nature is really a misogynist he man woman hater!

In any case , I'm not taking this from anyone. I'm not going to take this lying down. Well I actually would do that if it would do me any good. So I have a plan. To my hormones I can only say I hope the door didn't hit you on the way out. Your gone and I'm changing the locks on the door. It was fun while it lasted but you aren't coming back so I'm moving on. To my flexibility I say "take that!" and by that I mean Yoga. Did I mention that I now hate nubile young women who can do anything with their bodies? Okay girl, breathe. To my jelly belly fat cells I say start dancing. Nothing like a little dancing to burn those cells in what I hope is a funeral pyre. I really only have one last question. How is it that these things happen overnight but take so much longer to undo?