The Case of the Snoop Dogg and the Tell Tale Heart

To look or not to look? I was recently at a round table discussion. Well it was lunch with friends from work and the table we sat at was indeed round! The panel consisted of only those of the female persuasion. Ages varied from over the hill, on the hill and just starting to climb the hill! Three Sadie Sadie married ladies, one divorcee, one single gal and one who can best be described as "it's complicated"!

So what is it that we should look at or not? Well it's not the eclipse although it can be just as damaging and wearing sunglasses will not help. It's all about partners who may or may not be on the prowl. Cheating. So what is a sane person to do? I've only known two divorces close up that involved a cheating spouse. In neither case where there the cliched lipstick on the collar or a hotel room key carelessly left in pants pockets and then thrown in the laundry.

In most cases it seems to start with a feeling. Something's not right but since you can't put your finger on it you shake it off at first. After a while you find it harder to ignore the signs of something gone awry. Pecks instead of real kisses. I love you is no longer part of the lexicon. Neither is sex which is truly a barometer of a healthy relationship. Dr Ruth would be so proud of me! Efforts in clothes or perfume go unnoticed. Basically whatever you do goes unnoticed. In the comment section of your life there are none. Not even a thumbs up "like" comes your way. They may still ask how was your day but when you start talking there are never any questions or comments that show a real interest. It's small talk. Very small talk.

Examples of a disconnect abound. In one case my friend had all the signs of a disconnect but she never got the chance to figure out what to do with it. She quite by accident ran into him where he should not have been. Ooops there it is! My other friend had only suspicion to go on so she decided to go look.

She looked at his emails, in his briefcase, and the phone bill because there were constant calls for him when it was clearly family/couple time like at 10pm on a Friday or Saturday night. I can't remember if she suffered through the cliched hang up when she answered the phone. She couldn't afford a PI so she followed him. In the end she found what she was looking for.

So the question was simple. Do you invade someones privacy to confirm a suspicion when your heart is a stake? I said no. No looking. "But he's making a fool out of you" was the dissenters reply, almost like a Greek chorus. Surprisingly the non marrieds were all for the looky loo in this situation. Us married and was married were split. I was clearly in the minority.

So why shouldn't someone look? You invade someones privacy when you do that and if that isn't stating the obvious I don't know what is! Even liars have a right to their privacy. The bottom line is that they'll still be liars and they will still have broken your heart. You'll just know about it a little later. When you're clinging on for dear life you can still hang on to that thing called integrity.

Instead, use your words. What's wrong with asking the other person? Give them a chance to come clean. Yeah it'll hurt but we are all adults and eventually the hurt will lessen and you'll get to move on to something better. Some of the panel rightfully stated that you might not get an honest answer. Some people are chicken and some people want the best of both worlds. Some people don't want to upset the kids no matter how old they are. They would rather torture you! Yet in the face of this strong argument I stood firm.

Don't look. Not at what's not meant for you to see. I believe the universe eventually works in your favor and you will get to see the truth whatever that truth may be. Not all the signs I talked about are specific symptoms of cheating only. They are definitely symptoms of relationship malaise. So what do you do if you don't find the truth or maybe you feel you've been waiting too long and you are tired of the pain? There seem to be two options. Try again. Be loving. Put yourself out there in ways you held back out of fear. Never regret loving someone. Door number two is simply opening your clenched fist and letting it go. Then walk through the door and close it behind you.

Out of the Blue

I watched Modern Family last night, the Halloween episode. Let the "behind the times" jokes fly. I know it's almost December. So after I was done laughing my ass off, which I always do when watching that show, and oh how I wish that was not just a figure of speech don't you? Wait! Where was I going with that run away sentence? Ah yes, Phil, possibly my favorite character on the show finds out about his neighbors divorce. It's not a case of a cheating spouse. It is however the thing that Phil most fears. The dreaded "out of the blue, I didn't see it coming" reason for divorce.

It's pretty obvious that people don't get divorced out of the blue. It is possible that one of the spouses didn't see it coming. The thing is they only see it in retrospect. What Happened to them? They became *that couple* and one of them woke up and said I don't wanna be *that couple* any more. I want more.

Here's what I mean by *that couple* and it's in no particular order. Just the peculiar order my brain spits things out! No PDA. Not even in the privacy of their own home. Kisses? Not deep wet kisses that last for days but always little pecks. No one is constantly making out but people that still got it for each other don't just peck! So the sex well, it isn't really happening. I can't say how much is the right amount. I can only say that *that couple* is having less of it then they should and its not all that good although no one actually says it out loud.

I put the cart in front of the horse! It doesn't start with the physical. It usually starts with all the other stuff. It isn't that you are at each others throat. That would indicate some kind of passion. It's that you are like good roommates. You read your books in bed before going to sleep but then when the lights go out you both turn to face in different directions. Where you once talked about all your hopes and dreams you now make small talk. You look like a couple on the outside but there's a lot of empty inside.

All of this leads to something that is the worst part of I didn't see it coming. As a woman I view emotional cheating as the worst kind of cheating. I have friends with whom I can say anything. Hopefully we all do. It needs to be my partner however that I share it all with. Make that all with a capital A L L. The sharing of it all needs to go both ways. When the sharing stops it has to go somewhere. We are by nature creatures that need to share. It would just hurt so much if he wasn't sharing with me. If someone else was the one he went to for that. Even if it's another guy friend. It's still not me! Of course if it's a woman, then we have "the other woman" and there is really room for only one woman in my relationship. Now if you are a guy reading this just reverse everything I just said!

I have *that couple* fear sometimes. I think it's why I can describe it so well. I've been married a long time and it's at this point that a lot of couples can start to sleepwalk until they bump into the thing they didn't see coming. Thankfully my fear is as of yet unfounded. Just when I think maybe we are becoming *them* he does something that surprises me. So go and surprise your partner. If not, you risk being Phil's divorced neighbor on Modern Family or worse, his unhappily married neighbor!