It's Not Rocket Science

Are men from Mars and if so are they taught to bullshit there? Oh women bullshit too but there is one thing that men bullshit about way more than women. No, it's not cheating! Everyone will lie about cheating if their backs are to the wall. I can't speak to the statists of which sex cheats more and frankly I don't care to speak to statistics period. They are just so manipulative! What I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt is that men are the almost exclusive users of the following line in one form or other.

"You know me, I'm not a romantic."

"I don't do romance."

"I don't know how to be romantic."

I could go on but it would just get me pissed off. It's a lazy ass lie. Sometimes guys use it to cover up in case their efforts are deemed not good enough but the rest of you? Seriously? Why not just admit the truth? You are either taking someone for granted or you're just not that into her.

Here's why I'm not buying the "I'm not a romantic" line. It's not always about the grand gesture, however, if the moment calls for it, you would have had to be living under a rock not to see how it is done. Are there not enough movies or TV shows out there? You tube is filled with great examples. If you don't need visible instruction then look at facebook or twitter. Its out there. But then, you (guys) knew that.

Then there is romance where a Hollywood moment isn't needed. Ironcally those little moments can be more powerful than the fully orchestrated kind. Can you buy her a present out of the blue? Just a little something like her favorite candy bar. Can you hold her hand while you're just watching TV? Can you tell her she is beautiful? "You look "nice" doesn't cut it. In fact the word "nice" shouldn't even be part of your vocabulary if she is the one. Can you call her for no reason? Can you brag about her? Whether it's her painting or her total geekness with computers? Of course the key is that she somehow overhears it! In short, can you just man up?

Someone once told me"I'm not much of a romantic and you know that." Then he wrote me a love letter. He went out of his comfort zone and he told me how he felt. He was *that into me.*

Romance is not the remedy for screwing up. Not screwing up again is what you need to do! Romance is a thing you do 365 days not just on Valentines Day or birthdays and anniversaries. Romance isn't hard. In fact when you really love someone it's like breathing. You do it without thinking and you do it all the time.

I Want It Bad

Birds do it, bees might do it. My cat does it and so does my dog. Teenagers are great at it. My husband does it without me! So why can't I get any?

Alas the big S has eluded me. Tantalizing, rejuvenating, pleasure giving, life reaffirming sleep! I used to be good at it. I've acheived what I refer to as death sleep. Sleep so deep that the world could end and I wouldn't know it. Sleep so deep that crawling out of my subconscious to reach my conciousness is like crawling out of a collapsed Chilean mine.

The one thing I don't want is to sleep like a baby. Whoever coined that one was never an owner of a tiny human. In fact probably never in the vicinity of one at night. So no I do not want to wake up every few hours during the night although it would mean that at least I had fallen asleep at some point.

Sleep eludes me on a regular basis. Maybe Morpheus misses the hormones that used to travel my bloodstream. Sleep left when they did. My only problem is that they are never coming back, so am I meant to be Sleepless in Seattle for life? I've tried the Kama Sutra of sleeping positions. I've tried what is the viagra of sleep dysfunction which is a sleeping pill. It works but to take one every night is just so Valley of the Dolls. I'd be happy to stay out all night like a teenager because I'm awake anyway but everyone I want to party with is sleeping!

Sigh. I guess I'll have to wait till I reach old age, like old old age not chipper old age. Then I'll be falling asleep even when I'm not supposed to!

Sex In The Menopausal City

Recently I exposed myself. Get your mind out of the gutter people...although this post is about sex. Okay then, minds back in the gutter but what I meant was not what you think. Said exposure was by letting my friends in on my blog. One of my friends said we need a TV show that is kind of like Sex in the City meets For Women My Age. Then yet another friend decided laughingly that it should be called Sex and the City...The Menopausal Years! So now you know how I got from point A to point B!

I know nothing about what sex is like for other women my age, at least not in any scientific I can prove it kind of way. I know about myself and I know what I think it should be like for women my age. There were a lot of factors that got us to this sexual point in time.

When we were younger and just starting out we had hot bodies but few of us really knew how to use them to the fullest extent. Ah ,youth is wasted on the young! Then we matured and with our hot bodies still intact we reached our sexual prime which hopefully also meant we learned how to use what God gave us. Then for a vast majority including myself came the child bearing/ child rearing years. If anything can put a damper on your sex life it's kids which ironically is how you get kids in the first place! I for one spent the vast majority of those years when my kids were itty bitty in a chronically tired haze. No naps unless the kids napped which even then meant sleeping with one eye open just in case! For me the second sexual revolution came when my kids were old enough to get up on a Saturday morning, get some cereal and turn on the TV by themselves! As revolutions go it was a small one. I was indeed less tired which was an improvement. Just ask my husband! However spontaneity was gone. Like a total eclipse it was a rare event that happened when the stars aligned and both my kids had a sleepover on the same night! As long as the kids were still living at home it got worse the older they got not better. Older kids go to sleep later and later. I know you see where I'm going with this. Older kids also know things. So being quiet is essential.

I know there are women who did not marry or did not have kids. Their story will be vastly different. I'm not ignoring them but I leave it to one of them to blog about it since it would be foreign territory for me.

So now the kids are out of the house. Lets assume you still love the guy you married and want to have sex. This is where I think God screwed up. Menopause changes your body in ways we don't always like. Well at least you don't have to worry about an unwanted pregnancy, I'll give God that! Even men don't have a total advantage when it comes to sex and the aging process. One word. Viagra. So what does all of this have to do with God? I think he got some things backwards. I think that if you have raised your kids well and in general lived a good life your reward should be the hot sex life you had when you were starting out!

Since God missed the boat on that one its up to us to make it happen. Short of sounding like Dr Ruth Westheimer, I say go get laid with abandon! You earned it! Try something new or improve on the old. Leave your inhibition behind. We all know by now. that life is too short. Let the next sexual revolution begin!