What 2 Do When You're Feeling Old

No seriously, what do you do? I left the question mark out of the title. Now it looks as if this is an advice column. You all probably thought I would impart some kind of wisdom. Well it won't be the first time you're ever wrong and (I can't help myself!) it won't be the last!

So here's the skinny. I wanted to change my avatar on twitter. This means a new picture which for me is an experience similar to water boarding. I am freakishly unphotogenic! I dislike 99% of all pictures taken of me. Maybe its that I prefer to live under the illusion that I look better than I really do! Welcome to the party in my head! So I put on a bit of makeup and got out my trusty Mac to take a picture with a nifty little app called Photo Booth. I took 16 pictures. Some with my glasses and some without.

Then the real fun began as I went through them to see if there were any I liked. It was like the elimination judging on America's Next Top Model except that all the judges in my head were the equivalent of Simon Cowell on a bad night of Idol. I saw some things I don't usually see when I look in the mirror. I began to see changes in my face. What I saw were the effects of gravity that my face has been exposed to for these 53 years. Not a lot but enough for me to take notice.

In the evening my unsuspecting husband came home. I told him about my venture in photography. He thinks I am crazy but he's known that about me for a very long time and yet he stayed! When he asked about the pictures I voiced my fears out loud. " I look old" is what I told him with a few tears in my eyes. My husband was great. He said and did all the right things. Still it didn't help. He's good at denying. He denied his receding hairline for years!

So what did I do ? Basically I went to sleep and woke up the next morning minus the monkey on my back! As I drifted off to sleep I admit to fantasizing about a plastic surgery procedure that didn't involve knives or injecting poison into my face. The fantasy also included me having enough money to afford this new procedure . That's how I know it was a fantasy! I guess that we're all going to have these moments. Short of plastic surgery there isn't a damn thing we can do about it. So be nice to yourself. Forgive your face for what its about to do.

Cougar Town

So its a thing now and It has a name. Older women with younger men are cougars. I am a cougar hear me roar! Three questions come to mind. Could I? Would I? Should I? Well the should I is really only there for effect. I should not. I have a guy who for reasons unknown to me likes me just the way I am. Not something you drop at the mere sight of some young six pack abs with bedroom eyes. Hmmmm. Huh? What? Where was I? Well I was right here with you of course telling you about the husband I adore. Yada yada yada. I love him (my husband). You know that. Lets move on.

Part of me is like "You go girl!" Men have been doing the same thing since I've been alive and we all know that it's been a very long time already! For the most part men look pretty stupid dating really young women but hey we fought for the right to be equally stupid! Face it, It looks like fun. I think I have always had a secret desire to be a teacher! There is a part of me that was always willing to try something at least once! It's an ego boost. Young stud wants me an older woman. In this fantasy I have a smaller butt and larger boobs! So I guess given the proper lighting and to answer the first question I guess I could.

Ah yes, but would I? If I was suddenly single would I go for a younger man? I wouldn't go looking for it but I've learned one thing in this long life, never say never. For me the ego boost would give way to my vanity. This may sound odd coming from me, the poster girl for low maintenance. I couldn't handle the inevitable signs of aging that would contrast with his lack of them. I can hear you guys saying "Oh but what if its just for fun? A quick fling maybe?" I love eye candy as much as the next cougar but I have to genuinely like someone I'm going to be with. Since with few exceptions the relationship will eventually end who do you think will be hurt more? The old broad. The young guy gets to just saunter off into the sunset only to find some pretty young thing waiting for him. That and now he has a story to tell.

So here's to you Mrs Robinson for doing what I won't. Sorry Lee Dewyse! I'm such a heartbreaker, if only in my own mind!

Sex In The Menopausal City

Recently I exposed myself. Get your mind out of the gutter people...although this post is about sex. Okay then, minds back in the gutter but what I meant was not what you think. Said exposure was by letting my friends in on my blog. One of my friends said we need a TV show that is kind of like Sex in the City meets For Women My Age. Then yet another friend decided laughingly that it should be called Sex and the City...The Menopausal Years! So now you know how I got from point A to point B!

I know nothing about what sex is like for other women my age, at least not in any scientific I can prove it kind of way. I know about myself and I know what I think it should be like for women my age. There were a lot of factors that got us to this sexual point in time.

When we were younger and just starting out we had hot bodies but few of us really knew how to use them to the fullest extent. Ah ,youth is wasted on the young! Then we matured and with our hot bodies still intact we reached our sexual prime which hopefully also meant we learned how to use what God gave us. Then for a vast majority including myself came the child bearing/ child rearing years. If anything can put a damper on your sex life it's kids which ironically is how you get kids in the first place! I for one spent the vast majority of those years when my kids were itty bitty in a chronically tired haze. No naps unless the kids napped which even then meant sleeping with one eye open just in case! For me the second sexual revolution came when my kids were old enough to get up on a Saturday morning, get some cereal and turn on the TV by themselves! As revolutions go it was a small one. I was indeed less tired which was an improvement. Just ask my husband! However spontaneity was gone. Like a total eclipse it was a rare event that happened when the stars aligned and both my kids had a sleepover on the same night! As long as the kids were still living at home it got worse the older they got not better. Older kids go to sleep later and later. I know you see where I'm going with this. Older kids also know things. So being quiet is essential.

I know there are women who did not marry or did not have kids. Their story will be vastly different. I'm not ignoring them but I leave it to one of them to blog about it since it would be foreign territory for me.

So now the kids are out of the house. Lets assume you still love the guy you married and want to have sex. This is where I think God screwed up. Menopause changes your body in ways we don't always like. Well at least you don't have to worry about an unwanted pregnancy, I'll give God that! Even men don't have a total advantage when it comes to sex and the aging process. One word. Viagra. So what does all of this have to do with God? I think he got some things backwards. I think that if you have raised your kids well and in general lived a good life your reward should be the hot sex life you had when you were starting out!

Since God missed the boat on that one its up to us to make it happen. Short of sounding like Dr Ruth Westheimer, I say go get laid with abandon! You earned it! Try something new or improve on the old. Leave your inhibition behind. We all know by now. that life is too short. Let the next sexual revolution begin!

YES MA'AM

I remember the first time someone called me ma'am. I wish I had had the presence of mind to look around as if to see who he was talking to but alas I knew it was me! Yeah, I just stood there and took it like the meek little old lady I must have somehow become.

As I walked away from that encounter I felt a storm of emotions starting to brew inside me. None of it based on logic but that's emotion for you. On the one hand I was hurt. I am nothing like a ma'am. I don't dress like one and I don't act like one. Stupid idiot, could he not see that? Then came fear. Oh my God I have become my mother! Actually that happened one day when I was yelling at my kids and I heard my mother's voice coming out of my mouth! Add to the mix a feeling of frustration. This wasn't fair. I wasn't ready. Pity the fool that I bumped into next. He probably didn't know what hit him. All those emotions have quite a force and they don't leave physical marks!

Sometimes being a ma'am has its privileges. You can tell the noisy teens hanging outside your window to shut the fuck up and never have to worry if they think you are cool or not. They don't, but yes you are cool. So not every guy turns to look when you walk by. Yes I know you look great. However the ones that do look at you will be looking a little deeper because they recognize that there is something underneath the surface. If by chance you are having a bad hair day blame it on your ma'amhood! Even in becoming a ma'am there is a silver lining!

I think the moral of the story is that sticks and stones may break my bones but words are just words.

ANYONE HOME?

Nope. Just me and my old man here. The nest is empty. The chicks have flown the coup. What to do, what to do? Everything that's what! Have sex in the middle of the day anywhere in the house. Play *your* music loud and don't forget to dance!

I love my kids. We have a blast when they come around. I didn't push them out of the nest but when they left of their own accord to start their lives I got mine back! From the day they are born till the day they go off to college and parts unknown your identity is locked in as being someones mother. For 24/7 that is who you are. No its not all of who you are but it is the biggest part.

Yes I know you are still Mom even though they aren't physically there. You worry about them and think about them which is going to happen until we die. Who knows, maybe after that too! What you won't be doing is all the mundane stuff that sucks the life out of you! No more chauffeuring. No more sweating out the answer to 'What's for dinner?" No more cleaning up after and best of all no more nagging about cleaning or any other chore left undone. Woohoo! So what happens with all this extra energy?

Shortly after mine moved out I found myself blasting some Motown and dancing. Midway I realized something. No one was asking me "WHAT are you listening to and WHAT are you doing?" You know I hadn't really danced just for the fun of it in twenty something years! When I realized this I kept dancing and I felt joyous! What was happening here? What was happening was simply me rediscovering who I am. Lucky for me I like this person who has been somewhat dormant. Even writing this blog is about being who I am and who I want to be. I love to dance and I love to write.

There is an old joke about a priest, a minister and a rabbi who are discussing when life begins. The priest of course says it begins at the moment of conception. The minister says it begins when the child is born. The rabbi thinks for a moment and says "Life begins when the kids go to college and the dog dies!" I really did LOL when I heard that joke. I still have the dog whom I love but I understood what the rabbi meant.

With the kids gone its finally your turn. Go for it. Dance! Write! Go back to school! Play an instrument! There's a whole world out there waiting for you. Yes you, you remember that person don't you? Now go be her. Me? I have to go blast some Hendrix and play a little air guitar.
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GREY, WHITE OR COLOR?

Women color their hair for fun and to experiment. That is at least in the beginning. At some age, it varies, you are coloring your hair to cover the grey. In my case it's white. After years of doing it, covering the oh so obvious sign of age I have started to think about when is enough enough?

I recall working with a woman in her forties who didn't color her white hair. Well kind of didn't since she had champagne colored highlights. The effect was stunning not old. Unfortunately for me and my olive complexion white really just makes my skin color fade into pale nothingness.

No bragging here but my face looks younger than it's 53 years. Barely there smile lines. That's it! Before you start asking me what kind of moisturizer I use I think it boils down to two main factors. The first is genetics. Something you can't buy in a bottle. The other is the fact that I stopped smoking in my twenties. You think it does bad things to your lungs? It's even worse on your skin. Yeah, that's a bit of an exaggeration. This all leads to the big question, If I look young, dress young and act young why not keep coloring my hair?

The only anti color point I can make is that I am pretty low maintenance. Even using the ten minute L'Oreal hair color at times seems like a burden! My roots show more often than not. Truthfully if I let it go and went white I'd be putting some brown lowlights around my face to keep me from fading away! That upkeep isn't low maintenance. What's a girl to do?

As of writing this post I will be going out and buying hair color. I'm decidedly not ready to be a little old lady. I may never be ready but one day it will happen whether my hair is brown or white. I just hope I'm cute!