Then and Now

Am I a freak of nature or nurture?! Are there things about me that I came into this world with and things that are store bought? How does one know? I'll leave the scientific debate to the scientist as I embark on my quest to answer this perfectly good question.

Full disclosure time. I believe in nature versus nurture. I say this after raising two kids that are vastly different but were brought up exactly the same. Meaning I neglected them and or screwed up equally for both! The results were very different for each one of them. I realized then that as parenys we really aren't in control. Contain your collective gasps! Especially those parents giving their child every extra opportunity they can think of, I have only one thing to say to you. It's a good thing to expose your kids to different things but if he is not in his soul a musician then he won't be one. However the kid who did not get piano lessons from age six but is a born musician will be one and he will find his way despite the fact that he did not have that privilege.

So how was I wired when I came into this world? I decided to look at myself from well minute one till the sixth grade. Mini me! I know that I spoke at an early age. An old friend of my mother's always tells me how shocked she was when she came to say hi to me. I was still in my crib at the time and while most kids could talk I answered in a complete sentence. My parents were immigrants. English was not their first language so I think maybe I was born with a gift for stringing words together!

There is an old black and white picture of me at maybe a picnic. I've got a plate of food on my lap and it's outside somewhere. I'm wearing my Keds sneakers and a Danskin set. I love the picture because it wasn't posed. I have a look on my face that is very familiar to me. I am quietly observing the people around me. Like a sponge I watch and listen. Then I store it away until it becomes a character in something I write. Then I'm sure I wasn't aware of what I was doing or why. It was just something I did. Now it's something I do naturally but with purpose.

I day dreamed a lot. There was always a story swirling around in all that grey matter. All kids day dream. I just did more of it. I am convinced, as you can tell, that I was born to do something with the written word. Ironically, speaking, which also involves words is not my forte. Ask me to describe something I am writing and I get tongue tied. It's not pretty! Yet if needed I can write the description. Go figure!

I was never meant to be an athlete. Not an athletic bone in my body. I was never meant to be a singer even though like every other contestant on American Idol I have been singing since I was two years old! Mathematician? God no! My report cards which my Mom saved attest to it. Scientist? As Sheldon Cooper would say "Bazinga!" In other words...no! I think my life has taken me in different directions but I seem to always come back to the written word, Now I'm just a lot wiser and I understand that this is where I am supposed to be! My teachers always talked about my unrealized potential. They may have been on to something!

My Big Theory of Relationships

I think the equation goes something like Man + Woman (or any combination thereof) = chaos. Even in a new relationship that's in the honeymoon stage there can be chaos. Do you think love is only a chemical reaction? Doesn't matter. At some point there will be chaos. Love exists. Doesn't matter if it is caused by chemistry or our hearts. We still can't touch it or hold it up and say "Here, take a look, *this* is love."

So we can't define love which hopefully leads to a relationship. Can we define relationships? Or rather can we define what makes a good relationship in all the ensuing chaos? For me it falls under the "but I know it when I see it" category. Let's start by tossing these babies out with the bath water! I've always wanted to do that so could finally understand that expression. What I mean to say is lets assume and of course by doing so we will make an ass out of u and me, that yadda yadda yadda trust and honesty are the foundations for a good relationship.

This post is NOT is a lecture on what a good relationship is because that's something different for everyone. It's more me rambling about me me me and what makes a good relationship for me. I gotta go with sharing. I'm not a do everything, like the exact same things kind of a gal. Too much of a good thing, me (!), would be too much for any man! If you wrote a blog you too could write crazy things about yourself . Seriously, for me, sharing is the glue that keeps this whole thing together.

So what should be shared? Well, chocolate but I think that goes without saying! Minus the minutiae I think that dishing about the funny, the sad or the things that made you angry about your day is a must. Must he know that oh I caused trouble at work? Maybe, or maybe not. I like it because it's a few minutes of reach out and touch someone that you haven't for a large chunk of time. My other fav things are when we share things like new books, movies we might want to see or a new philosophy/spirituality we might have found. The kind of things that make us grow and thankfully not in a dress size! The beauty here is that I don't have to like the book or see the movie. I don't want a relationship with my exact twin. I get more than enough of me. What's important is sharing our explorations. Then you never get so far away that you leave the other one behind.

I like to share things. Hugs. Kisses. Dog walking. Cleaning. The crazy in my head. The crazy in his head. The kids. They;re mine when they are good and his when they are not! I guess you could say we didn't learn about sharing in kindergarten for nothing!

Not the Boss of Me

Hello darkness, my old friend. You've come to talk to me again.

Self doubt is my dark old friend. He comes to visit without an invitation. Self Doubt is a he not a she. He's very seductive and for that reason he is a man to me! Like I said, I never know when he's coming but suddenly there he is and there I am listening to him. No , I don't here voices but what I do is feel suddenly less worth it. There is a lot of creativity involved in Self Doubt's modus operandi so it never gets boring!

Today someone I know said to me "I love starting off the day feeling like a complete failure." Should I feel jealous? Seems my friend had been visiting her too. Self doubt is normal I guess in that we all feel it. In small doses it might serve some purpose. Without it we'd all be pumped up obnoxiously conceited snobs. Well more so than we already are as human beings! Maybe it helps motivate us? I personally prefer chocolate and gold stars by my name for motivation.

Over the years he has come and I have let him stay till he gets bored and moves on. Not good. It was really only recently I learned a very simple thing and as usual I learned it the hard way! I can't stop Self Doubt from coming for a visit. However I'm the only one who gets to decide if I let him stay or not and truthfully I've come to realize that "I'm just not that into him!" In my Oprah "aha moment" I realized I didn't have to let him stay. So like a flash of a neon light that splits the night, he was banished.

I'm pretty sure he's out there roaming and now he has some free time on his hands. So hop on a bus Gus. Just drop off the key Lee and get yourself free! Sing it!

A Note To My Younger Self

Dear Me,
Remember how we used to go to the library for books? We devoured books didn't we? Of course we didn't have over a 100 channels on TV back then. We didn't have VCR's, DVD's, or iPods to entertain us. Oh, all those letters? Just google them. Oh wait, never mind, you don't have a computer. Of course I mean in the house! They're not just for Stuart Greene anymore kid! FYI the guys with the pocket protectors did really well. However girls still go for a bit of the bad boy. That hasn't changed. Probably never will. Then we get older and smarter!

Anyway, here's what made me think of you. It was around ten o'clock at night and I had just finished reading a book. I wasn't ready to go to sleep yet. Pretty cool huh? No bedtime for me! So anyway, I opened my computer and went to Amazon. It's a place you can buy books via your computer and you don't need to know any of that binary language shit, just English! So what if I use the occasional "bad word" It is definitely great to be able to do that without being yelled at. It's one of the perks of being an adult. However my thighs are not as thin and that's definitely not a perk! But I digress, we still have that in common. So I picked out the book I wanted and then got out my kindle. I read books on a kindle now. You know I thought I would hate it. I love the feel of holding an actual book in my hands. A kindle is a hand held electronic device, about the size of a paperback book only thin. The books, or rather the written words of the books appear on it. I wonder if it's all done by the same little guy in the TV set! Anyway, I picked out the book I wanted to read and voila in less than a minute there it was on my kindle! Did I mention that I never left my bed?!

No I haven't been watching too many Jetsons cartoons! Although there is this thing for cleaning floors called a Roomba...oh never mind! FYI you do finally meet your prince. However might I suggest being kinder to Mom. You see one day she'll give you the curse. Yep, that one, the one where she wishes that you have kids just like you. Well it works!

Mad love to you baby girl!

PS No flying cars...yet!

I'm Ready For My Closeup

FADE IN

INT: BAR, NIGHT
MADDY nervously plays with her empty glass.Tthe BARTENDER, glances her way and she smiles. Their is a twinkle in her eyes as the tiny smile lines appear. She self consciously reaches up and puts a strand of hair with a few greys behind her ear.

The bartender pours drinks for other CUSTOMERS sitting at the opposite end of the bar.

She looks around her at the PEOPLE sitting along the bar. Most of them are couples. She shakes her head and throws some cash next to her empty drink. She gets up to go.

The bartender comes over.

BARTENDER
Can I get you anything?

MADDY
Apparently not.

She turns to leave.

He shrugs his shoulders and scoops up the money from the bar.

She talks a few steps and then turns back to the bar.

MADDY
Hey, I'm

She stops mid sentence a she sees the bartender is leaning over the bar flirting with a young blonde woman.

She takes a step back and crashes into a handsome GUY around her age.

He steps back to take a look at her.

Lets cut the scene right here. We don't know a lot about the characters. From the bare bones description we get that she is middle aged. Who does the movie industry care about? The hunky bartender and the sweet young thing at the bar or the seasoned veterans who may or may not be experiencing love at first sight?

Actually what matters more is really what we decide we want to see. They just need to know that we are willing to pay for it There's all sorts of drama and mayhem in our lives. Like it or not we are like no other generation as they enter Act II Scene II of life. We won't STFU and gracefully fade away. In fact the only things I like faded are my jeans!

I want to see coming of age movies for middle aged interesting people. HEY, if twenty somethings are writing about quarter life crisis then I get to come of age. Can you believe it? A quarter life crisis? Ah, youth is wasted on the young! So for the rest of us the kids are grown and the possibilities for what's next are endless. The only remaining question is, if I write it, will you come?

On Writing

I thought I had writers block but it turns out what I have is the flu! In my delirium I have stolen from a great writer Steven King. You see he wrote a great book on writing which he called...you guessed it ,On Writing! So, what of putting words on a page?

When I thought I had writers block I did a foolish thing. I put a request on my facebook page. I thought if only I had a topic I'd be golden. Wrong! The first response I got for a topic was Herring! Was that a challenge from a fellow writer or a fellow writer not taking my agony seriously? Or does she simply love a little herring in sour cream sauce? Does it really matter in light of my illness and the worry you must all be going through? Nah!

Another response was from an old friend who thought I should write about the sobering effect of living with my comedian husband. Or was it staying sober while having to live with my husband? I can't remember but I sure could go for a glass of wine right now!

Then it was the turn of a friend from my elementary school and Junior High School years. That's the beauty of facebook, old friends hanging out in cyberspace. He thought I should talk about the art of conversation. Is it a lost art? I write better than I speak so I naturally jumped from there to the art of writing, as in the lost art of writing a letter, more specifically a love letter. Great topic but I'm not feeling the love since my body has become party central for some of the nastiest germs I have ever had the displeasure of meeting.

Last but never least a friend reminded me about my backpacking through Europe free spirit days. Could I tell some tales? Fun times they were if not exactly Eat Pray Love! This blog is all about the now so I'd have to find the right hook to bring it back to now where I no longer want to backpack. I want 5 star hotels where I can look out from my balcony at all those backpackers down below and think smugly " I may not be as young as you but I have a hot shower!"

So here's the thing about writing, if you are left staring at a blank page don't panic, it might just be the flu!