Gone Fishing

I have spent the vast majority of my adult life helping other people through the worst times in their lives.

Now I'm asking the universe for a little payback. I need it to be my turn now to change things up and to be able to follow my passion full time.

Until then I'm taking the summer off. Gone fishin. Well I don't fish but I do write and I'm taking the summer off to work on that.

Foreskin Foreclosure?

Sorry ladies, no pic for this post!

Now back to the subject at hand : D. I couldn't resist! I'm weak like that. Oh yes, the San Francisco circumcision debate. I wouldn't call it a great debate because it's all much ado about, sorry guys, nothing. The real question is why am I writing about it? It's not exactly in the spirit of this blog.

In our generation, the baby boom boys were circumcized more often than not. It was years and years before I ever saw an uncircumcized penis. Guys, in a extremely unscientific survey of ten women of various ages I have to tell you that we find the circumcised penis more esthetically pleasing. So I guess if we can torture ourselves with things like waxing to please you, what's a little skin?

I can already hear the anti circumcision crowd screaming about the pleasure factor. Evidently foreskin has nerve endings so they might be missing out. Unless you could do a side by side test I don't think you can say circumcised men are missing anything. Oh hell, guys have it pretty easy when it comes to orgasms. Sorry guys but I can't feel bad for you on that one!

Then there is the ridiculous claim that foreskin is more pleasurable for a woman. Added friction. Ha! We really would prefer a good pair of hands to added friction.

On a real scientific level, other than a condom, circumcision is a way to protect people from getting AIDS as the virus likes to live "under the hood" it also impacts Cervical Cancer as well.

There has been talk of people suing because they were circumcized without their consent! Well okay, then it will be funny if there is a ban and a Jewish guy sues the federal or state government for pain and suffering because he was forced to wait till he was of age! Lets just say that pain levels are different at 8 days versus adulthood. Leaving it at that because all the guys reading this are now cringing and holding on to their nether parts!

If parents choose not to circumcise their sons I'm okay with that. I'm just not okay with banning something because some guys have issues with their manhood! So once again you can say I'm pro choice!

The Yellow Line

I'm standing at the edge of a train station leaning forward to see what train is coming down the track. Got the visual? Now let me ask you this question. Have you ever gotten into it with your family, friends or husband/boyfriend or wife/girlfriend in such a way that you can't make it stop? You begin to feel like a dolphin caught in a fishing net and the more you struggle the worse it gets.

So what does all this have to do with a train? Well I look st the train tracks as my life and the on coming train as more crap coming straight at me because of course I'm leaning over and into its path. That is until a small voice inside said "Step behind the yellow line."

I was in a situation where nothing I was doing was working out. My thoughts were always going to the worst scenario and when that happens whatever the "thing" you're in doesn't go away. It can't. The "thing" takes on a life of its own. It doesn't matter that you were not the cause of it or even that you were right.

I realized that I wanted to make things right again. By "right" I mean in balance or in harmony and what I was doing was just not working. So I made a decision to get out of the way. I decided to step aside and let the universe do its thing without my help. Whenever I got it in my mind to "help" things along I would just breath and not act on the emotion. I gave it a month.

The month isn't over yet but I'm not caught in the net anymore. I've had a few times where I've had to "breath" but it is better than hyperventillating and filling my lungs with bad emotions that lead to bad actions. In the mean time, at least I'm not getting hit by any oncoming trains!

In Whose Image?

I was getting dressed to go out. Nothing fancy so there was no outfit planned for the occasion. So I get dressed and I look in the mirror and it just wasn't flattering. We're supposed to leave in a matter of minutes. I want to have fun and not let my clothes ruin my evening so I asked the man in my life if we had 5 minutes because I wanted to change clothes. He took a deep breath and I changed my outfit in less than five minutes!

So nu, what is the big deal? This kind of thing happens everyday in every part of the world except for nudist colonies and there I'm guessing the woman would just choose to stay in! The deal is that woman are so tied in with their physical appearance. Much more than men. Case in point, my husband. He knows this happens to women but being a man he doesn't get it on a molecular level. I don't think even the most metrosexual man would get it.

My issue is really with myself or rather myself as I think the world values and or judges me. I realize that the reality is a little different. Instead of a long dissertation about me it's probably more like, "she gained a little weight" or "she used to be so thin". Then for those who don't know me it's "so that's his wife..hmmm". We all know that as we age we are checking other people out to see how they are aging. It's like a measuring stick where you are either above the notch that say's "she didn't age so well" or below "damn how did she keep that body."

I know men get judged but not to the extent that women do. I think as women age we are judged by a harder to attain standard of beauty because it is a younger standard of beauty. The irony in all this is that I am the definition of low maintenance. I can't tell you the date of the last manicure I had because it has been that long. So how do these feelings surface for someone who would rather be doing other stuff than primping?

One answer, and it would be true, is that I have a little more vanity than I like to admit. However I do not have a lot of shoes no matter what my husband will tell you! I'm pretty sure these gremlins called negative feelings come out when I lose my balance. It happens when the scales of my self esteem weigh in too much on the low side. As the name suggests this esteem comes from none other than our selves. We can give and we can take away from our esteem.

Over time I have discovered just how much I tied my image, the outer wrapping, to my weight because I was always the skinny one. No diets and I could wear anything. I forget the akwardness and yearning for a few curves when I'm in the midst of one of these funks. In my funkadelic mind trip I rocked! Pair that with societal standards and you know it's not going to end well.

I don't have a magic solution. I changed my outfit but that doesn't always work. Breath. Have a glass of wine. Tell your bad vibes to go fuck off. Hang with the people that love you. Look at the judgementalists as if *you* are judging *them* and then walk away laughing. Okay so you're really laughing at yourself. On second thought skip the laughing if you are by yourself! Choose one or all of the above. The wine goes well with any of them, red or white. While you're busy with your plan the feeling will pass. They always do. Wine helps!

School's Out For Summer!

The path I take to a blog post is quite often not a straight line. Case in point, the words you are reading right now. It all started on a bright sunny day when I took my dog out for a walk. I saw two girls that were probably junior high school age walking down the street. Something about them reminded me of me at that age. It was like looking at myself and my best friend when we were oh so cool.

As I watched them walking in a way that only young teenage girls can, it struck me how little thought we as teens, gave to older people that walked in that teenage way before us. At thirteen you assume that any one older was simply always that way. You can't imagine what they might have been like as teenagers themselves because it never occurs to you to try. Which is okay since I think that's where the swagger comes from!

So I was going to write about that. In fact I was sitting at my computer when a cool breeze blew across my face and it triggered a memory. I'm back in school and it is the end of June. Like the last couple of days left to school. Tests have been taken. Assignments handed in. No one is really listening. Not even the teachers. Especialy the teachers?

Can you remember that feeling? You could smell the freedom just around the bend. For me freedom smelled like suntan lotion and freshly cut grass and candy all mixed with the slight smell of bug juice or maybe it's insect repellent! Visions of me and the summer love I was finally going to have danced in my head. How powerful was that feeling of anticipation? Jumping into two months of anything can happen fun!

As adults we go on vacations. We don't even have to wait for summer to do it. And yet, what I would give to bottle that feeling as the last minutes tick by on the last day of the school year! I'd add to it those first moments of freedom when the bell finally rings and you are out the door!

A Tale of Two Stories

With age sometimes comes wisdom. The key word here is sometimes. Sometimes you gain it from a story told by someone else. I've heard my fair share of stories, as you can imagine and these two are among my favorites. I'm reciting them from memory and while I may have more wisdom, the words may not be the exact words of the storyteller so if you've heard the story told a little differently, well, life is like that.

THE ESKIMO STORY

Two guys are sitting in a bar in Alaska and they're talking. After a while the conversation turns to religion. Seems that one of them was a believer, and the other was an atheist.

The atheist tells the believer "You know I gave your God a chance to prove himself to me but he didn't.

"Oh really, how so?" asked the believer.

"Well I'm driving alone in the middle of nowhere. It was getting dark and my car breaks down. I left my car to go look for help and a blizzard starts. Before long I was totally lost. I was freezing and quite sure I was done for. In that desperate moment I fell to my knees, looked toward the heavens, and said "God, if you're really up there, prove it to me. Save me from this horrible death."

The believer looks puzzled. "I don't get it. How can you still not believe. I mean, you're here. God must have answered your prayers."

To which the atheist replied, shaking his head "No, it was some fucking Eskimo that found me and took me back to safety!"

LEO'S STORY FROM THE WEST WING

Preface: You don't have to know who Leo is or to have ever seen The West Wing to enjoy the story.

This guy's walking down the street when he falls into a hole.The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts out "Hey you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription and throws it down the hole and moves on.

Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts out "Father I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down the hole and moves on.

Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe,it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole.

Our guy says "What are you stupid? Now we're both down here!" The friend says "Yeah but I've been down here before and I know the way out."

Take a Flying Leap!

Love is a leap of faith. Yes, even at this age. Our age. In fact it's almost a bigger leap than the first time you told someone you loved them. Actually when I think about it the leap is the same because you are stepping out into unknown territory. Will you fall into the abyss or will you land with both feet on solid ground?

That's the thing about love. When you've been at this crazy thing for a couple of decades (give or take!) you accumulate a lot of stuff. Most people would call it baggage. So while that first time in your life when you say "I love you" is really scary what you are afraid of is the unknown. As you gain experience what you are afraid of is not unknown. You've seen the boogey man's face. In other words you know all the ways that you can be hurt.

Should we take this leap of faith? Even if we know now what we didn't know then? There's no way around the leap. I think we all may be just a little crazy. We are willing to leap tall buildings in a single bound for something we can't actually see or touch in the most basic physical sense. Love lives somewhere between the physical world and the dream world. It's beautiful and it's messy but it is "what it's all about!" (great wisdom can be gained from doing the Hokey Pokey)

I'm not any different than most people. I've had my share of bruising when I haven't nailed the landing. In a long lasting relationship you will probably have to jump more than once and the longer the relationship the scarier it gets. I think they make you jump off a higher cliff!

So do you jump? How the hell do I know?! I just finished telling you about all my bruises. But me? I jump!

PS To Whom It May Concern, Thanks for catching me!

It's Not Rocket Science

Are men from Mars and if so are they taught to bullshit there? Oh women bullshit too but there is one thing that men bullshit about way more than women. No, it's not cheating! Everyone will lie about cheating if their backs are to the wall. I can't speak to the statists of which sex cheats more and frankly I don't care to speak to statistics period. They are just so manipulative! What I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt is that men are the almost exclusive users of the following line in one form or other.

"You know me, I'm not a romantic."

"I don't do romance."

"I don't know how to be romantic."

I could go on but it would just get me pissed off. It's a lazy ass lie. Sometimes guys use it to cover up in case their efforts are deemed not good enough but the rest of you? Seriously? Why not just admit the truth? You are either taking someone for granted or you're just not that into her.

Here's why I'm not buying the "I'm not a romantic" line. It's not always about the grand gesture, however, if the moment calls for it, you would have had to be living under a rock not to see how it is done. Are there not enough movies or TV shows out there? You tube is filled with great examples. If you don't need visible instruction then look at facebook or twitter. Its out there. But then, you (guys) knew that.

Then there is romance where a Hollywood moment isn't needed. Ironcally those little moments can be more powerful than the fully orchestrated kind. Can you buy her a present out of the blue? Just a little something like her favorite candy bar. Can you hold her hand while you're just watching TV? Can you tell her she is beautiful? "You look "nice" doesn't cut it. In fact the word "nice" shouldn't even be part of your vocabulary if she is the one. Can you call her for no reason? Can you brag about her? Whether it's her painting or her total geekness with computers? Of course the key is that she somehow overhears it! In short, can you just man up?

Someone once told me"I'm not much of a romantic and you know that." Then he wrote me a love letter. He went out of his comfort zone and he told me how he felt. He was *that into me.*

Romance is not the remedy for screwing up. Not screwing up again is what you need to do! Romance is a thing you do 365 days not just on Valentines Day or birthdays and anniversaries. Romance isn't hard. In fact when you really love someone it's like breathing. You do it without thinking and you do it all the time.

Wake Up and Smell the Coffee

I was talking to a friend of mine, a doctor, about a sad case he is dealing with. Basically for this patient midlife looks to be around twelve. We started talking about how we should live our lives because you know...you never know. Then as my conversations tend to go we took a left turn as I started to talk about the years I spent raising my kids.

Well maybe I didn't really hang a louie. I was telling him that the years I spent raising my kids were kind of a blur. A mind numbing blur. It isn't that I don't have any memories, it's that I don't have any memories of me. I wasn't me. I was the mother of thing one and thing two!

I have sweet memories of my kids as they grew up. They made me laugh as often as they made me pull out my hair! That was a PSA in case one of my kids read this or someone thinks I'm a bad mother!

I just remember that when my kids were old enough to go out and live their lives it was like a fog lifted. I began to feel like me again. The me at this end of the adventure realized that now it gets important to do the things that make me happy and less of the things that don't. I still clean but it's not a priority. I still go to work but I'm less invested in the politics and more interested in having fun while "the man" pays me. I listen to music, watch TV like crazy, I devour books and most of all I write.

Yawn. They're contagious so go ahead! I mean yadda yadda yadda what is the point here which is the equivalent of "are we there yet?!" from any family trip taken anywhere in the world said by every kid in the world at least once but probably more!Here it is, our final destination. It may be impossible to change the dynamic of what happens to your life while you're raising your kids unless of course you can hire enough help so that *you* aren't actually raising them! However once that fog lifts take the advice of some wiseguy or rather wise guy and "enjoy this moment because this moment is your life."

See Red!

I don't do anger well. The I'm not gonna take it any more kind. I'm working on it. While I am firmly rooted in the late sixties/early seventies WoodStock generation I think something of the fifties seeped into my irrigation system. Well at least the image of women in the fifties. What? Life isn't like a sitcom? Hell at this point in time does it really matter why I don't do anger well? The bottom line is still the same.

It's not as if I'm a shrinking violet when it comes to letting it out. Those would be my daughters exact words. "As." "If." I do upset and I do frustrated and while they may appear very much like anger they are not. If they were the same I wouldn't be writing this and Webster's would be shorter by one word.

Now anger comes in different sizes and different shades of red. I'm not talking about the kind that is like the path of a giant tornado. Not the kind that pops your bloodvessels so your eyes turn red like the devil's. I'm talking about the garden variety red gardenia kind. It's when someone, your friend, your boss, your colleague or your guy does something that makes you mad. Not every little thing they do but that one thing that was wrong and thoughtless.

See red. Be angry. Not upset or hurt. You may feel those things too but let yourself get angry. I prefer my anger to come with a steel look in my eyes and a quiet voice. The yelling thing is never as effective. You yell and then you cool off and then they rinse and repeat. I rarely can achieve this quiet kind of anger but I'm working on it.

I think I have been afraid of anger. Maybe they won't like me anymore. Even I know that's just stupid. Ha! And you guys are taking advice from me! These moments are not about being "the bigger person" which usually means backing down. These moments are about saying "hey I'm worth it so pay attention."

Don't apologize for being angry. Let them apologize and when that happens, just like that, let it go!

Kindness

It started as my Facebook status. Well it started before that but a writer needs to know at what point to start a story. Otherwise we'd be back all the way to my birth on that glorious fall day! There was no Facebook then however, like that needed to be clarified! My Facebook status simply said "kindness is highly underrated."

As you can see there is no picture with this post. Kindness is one of those things that you can't hold in your hand like an object. It has no physical form yet we all know it when we see it. When we need it and there is none around we feel it as keenly as we do when it comes to us unexpectedly.

I was thinking about who I was before I wrote that status update. One of the first things that came to my mind was kind. Seems like such an insignificant thing. When we describe someone, lets say we're setting up a blind date, do we ever use the word kind? If we're bragging about our kids it's almost always about the college they got accepted to, the award they won or the job they got. Who brags about how kind there kid is? How about our partners, spouses or significant others? We describe them as really hot, or funny, or smart or all of the above. Uh kind? Maybe sweet as in he is so sweet to me he ____fill in the blank.

If you're kind you'll never have to worry if your kids will be their if you ever need them. They don't teach that at Harvard. Education is a good investment. So is kindness. Be kind so that when you have to make that call at 3am because your world is falling apart, someone, a friend, is going to pick up. If you love someone then be kind and handle their feelings with care. One day you're up and you're holding a royal flush and then one day... you're not.

Being kind is priceless because it costs nothing and means everything.

Rapcha This

I waited till all the rapture jokes died down to ponder this notion of the rapture. Actually not the rapture itself, but heaven. I mean, what's in it for me?

We've all thought about what heaven must be like. In my heaven I could walk in really high heels as if I were barefoot and Manolo Blahniks don't cost anything! Eating your favorite dessert would actually give you a slimmer body! All the pets I have had the privelege to own would be there for me to pet. On an intellectual level there would be all these amazing people you could meet. Think of the concerts!

Wait! Slamming on the breaks! The one thing we won't have in heaven is a corporeal body. So none of the examples I gave would be possible. In fact if you think about it, it would be rather like hell. Fabulous shoes with no feet to put in them. The scrumchious desserts but no way to eat them! No hands to pet my dogs. There I am standing, or rather being, next to Moses and he doesn't even know I'm there! So. no Jim Morrison playing to a sold out crowd goes without saying.

Our ideas about what heaven should be like would in fact be hell on well, heaven. Which leads me to understand two things. The reason we don't know what happens after death is not because it's some big members only secret. It's because we can't imagine not having a physical form. Even ghosts, when we imagine them, have some kind of physicality. So the afterlife should be left until after. Until then, go buy some shoes!

The Times They Are A Changing

Bob Dylan turned 70 this week. He has slightly less than two decades on me. Was that vague enough? In any case Bob isn't a baby boomer himself but he was a voice of our generation. One of the greatest voices. His lyrics stand the test of time and whether he was solo, with The Band or The Travelling Wilburys he is always relevant.

If your gonna have to turn seventy, and we all will (sorry for the rude awakening), than how kickass is it to be seventy and have lived the life he did. I don't think he led a magical life. No one does. We all have our personal pain to live through and demons to live with. Oh let me just say it. He's seventy fucking years old and he has coolness that Justin Beiber will never achieve! How do I know? I know!

So I tip my hat to you Bob old man. Good job! You are who you were meant to be!

I Want It Bad

Birds do it, bees might do it. My cat does it and so does my dog. Teenagers are great at it. My husband does it without me! So why can't I get any?

Alas the big S has eluded me. Tantalizing, rejuvenating, pleasure giving, life reaffirming sleep! I used to be good at it. I've acheived what I refer to as death sleep. Sleep so deep that the world could end and I wouldn't know it. Sleep so deep that crawling out of my subconscious to reach my conciousness is like crawling out of a collapsed Chilean mine.

The one thing I don't want is to sleep like a baby. Whoever coined that one was never an owner of a tiny human. In fact probably never in the vicinity of one at night. So no I do not want to wake up every few hours during the night although it would mean that at least I had fallen asleep at some point.

Sleep eludes me on a regular basis. Maybe Morpheus misses the hormones that used to travel my bloodstream. Sleep left when they did. My only problem is that they are never coming back, so am I meant to be Sleepless in Seattle for life? I've tried the Kama Sutra of sleeping positions. I've tried what is the viagra of sleep dysfunction which is a sleeping pill. It works but to take one every night is just so Valley of the Dolls. I'd be happy to stay out all night like a teenager because I'm awake anyway but everyone I want to party with is sleeping!

Sigh. I guess I'll have to wait till I reach old age, like old old age not chipper old age. Then I'll be falling asleep even when I'm not supposed to!

Like A Rock?

What makes a person strong? I mean we're always making statements about how strong someone is. We make the opposite statements too. Like, "she'll never be able to handle it" or "he'd just fall apart if he ever found out." Can you really tell who is strong and who isn't? Is it all based on how a person looks on the outside? I ask this seemingly out of the blue question because I wonder if people think I'm strong.

I recently had some shit come down the pike that is my life and as I was dealing with it I got teary eyed. Okay, I got red eyed snotty nosed get me a tissue quickly, is what I would call it if I was telling the truth but I'm not so lets just say I was Hollywood tragicly beautiful as tears streamed down my face that wasn't, I repeat was not, scrunched up! Do the tears make me weak?

I cry at sad movies and at those commercials that pull at your heartstrings. I cry when I see someone I care about in emotional pain. A complete stranger can bring tears to my eyes if I see them hurting. Some of you would call me a cry baby! My emotions are right there on the surface.

After a long rant that took place in my head I realized that despite what you see I am actually the Arnold Shwartzenegger of strength in the face of a shit filled pike! I can deal with it. I'm not afraid of it. Just. Like. The. Rest. Of. You. You don't get from there to here without having to deal with "stuff", stuff that sucks, and yet we all do it. That's strength. How we do it is in the end inconsequential. Question asked and answered your honor! Tears aren't about weakness. Look what water in a stream can do to a large rock in it's path. Over time the water wears it down. My tear ducts are just in better shape than other peoples!

PDA On Social Media- Too Much or Not Enough?

A

s previously threatened, oh I mean promised, I give you the other side of Social Media PDA. Not the stalkerish/people looking for love in all the wrong places kind. Not the harmless "I need an ego boost" kind either. This time it's about the happy couples.

Avatars, or profile pics are one of the places couples show their coup;ehood. Instead of just a pic of the profile owner it's a pic that includes their significant other. It is my unscientific opinion that more women d this than men and more young lovers than older ones. It's something that is really not an issue unless you are jealous of said person for having someone or having someone that you want! I don't want to be known as so and so's mother or so and so's wife. I want to be known for me and I really do love "so and so"

Then we have the declarations of love. They are the equivalent to a soliliquy said under your beloveds balcony. They are you in the middle of the street where your beloved lives, holding a boom box over your head while it plays a love song. They aren't love letters because a love letter is private and a lost art if you ask me. Oh right, you didn't ask! When someone uses a facebook status to write about how they feel about their wife/husband, girlfriend/boyfriend or lover what they are really doing is declaring to all within their realm that they have found "the one".

I think the most important thing is still to tell the person you love, that you love them. Even more important are actions because without them words are meaningless no matter how often you use them. Still I think if you really love someone then you should use social media to say so. Just remember less is more. If it's your go to thing you will cause legions of followers to have a little stomach content start to rise up causing them to gag!

When I see it done right it makes me happy for the people involved. I've always been a romantic at heart. A little PDA can go a long way. Choose your words wisely.

Momma Mia?

For this Mother's Day I'd like to state for the record "I am not my mother!" We all have that fear. Well those of us who are of the mother gender type. If you are a guy and fear becoming your mother you might want to invest in a little therapy. Otherwise there will be a Movie of the Week with your name on it.

I didn't fear becoming my mother until I had kids and started experiencing the insanity kids can bring out in the formerly very sane. I used to be sane. The realization of this fear arrives the day your kids frustrate the crap out of you and you suddenly hear your mothers voice and words coming out of your mouth! I believe I looked around the room to see if she was there. I looked again to make sure no one noticed because *that* was never going to happen again. Okay well not until the next overwhelmingly frustrating moment.

My younger daughter taught me to let go of my frustration. Not on purpose mind you, but she taught me a valid lesson. I just took a while to learn it! I spent many years convinced I had done something in a past life and this was kharma coming to bite me in my reincarnated butt. What I learned the hard way is that we, as parents are really not in control. Not like we like to think we are. It's nature versus nurture and I am on nature's side. Mother nature, the ultimate Mom knows what she's doing.

My daughter was going to be a wild child who became an almost responsible adult and it had almost nothing to do with what I did and did not do for her. My other daughter was never going to be kamikaze wild even if I totally ignored her. Once I accepted each of them for who they were a lot of the frustration left. Well most of it left. A sink full of dirty dishes can still bring it out in me! I'm only human.

The best advice I can give to any young mother out there is that all you can do is love them and if you can live through it you will get to the day where they actually thank you! Of course that doesn't mean they want to be you any more than I want to be my Mom. But hey, you take what you can get!

Mission Accomplished..Really!

Since Osama Bin Laden stole my blogaversary thunder, well the little of it that there was, I thought it only fitting to talk about the guy who is himself a baby boomer! So lets have some fun at his expense. I give you the best (tweets,status updates and snark) of the worst (Osama, like d'uh!)

Seems the Brits of the BBC made just a little typo- Obama dead appeared on their online page!
Although FoxNews didn't do any better as the heading under the anchor read Obama Bin Laden dead!

Following in those footsteps I give you "Burn in hell...Oksana Baiul!"

"I'm sorry...but as far as I'm concerned it's all rumor until Sarah Palin confirms it!"

"It looks like he was pretty prepared for that 3:00am phonecall after all!"

"Apparently Obama's birth certificate was Bin Laden's last horcrux!"

"They just chuck his body and I have to keep 3 years of tax records?!!"

The best tweet on the topic---> "Can you believe those idiots still think I'm living in a cave? What? They're right behind me, aren't they? #Osamaslastwords

Then of course you have this guy who unknowingly live tweeted the whole thing! I guess he got his 15 minutes of fame!Oh and he now has 50,000 plus followers. Before this he had 2000!

So to steal a few of the lyrics from the very appropriate Lily Allen song join me in saying to Osama " Fuck you...Fuck you very much!"

Hope you enjoyed it. Thanks everyone and don't forget to tip your waitresses on the way out!

It's My Party!

Time to move the notch over one on my belt. I have a years worth of posts I need to fit under this belt. That's really not much in blog years!

So raise your glass and I offer this toast:
Here's to you
And here's to me
Oh to hell with you
Here's to me!

PDA on Social Media-Part One

It could also be titled Online Flirting. PDA or public displays of affection are part of the social media world. Affection is always a good thing right? Rhetorical question, no answer required.

Facebook opened up a can of worms as it seems it is *the* place for PDA blunders. The newsfeed contains not only what you put out as your status but also what you wrote on someone elses status, wall or photo. It's there for the world to see. Well your circle of "friends" anyway. The news is filled with human interest stories of facebook leading to divorce and breakups because someone was facebook stupid. Carrying on a facebook affair on someones wall is the definition of dumbass. Having an affair is equally so but at least the facebook stupidity contributed to my entertainment!

I'm less interested in those using facebook as a dating service and if you're single then it's all fair game. I'm always interested in my fellow travelers, yeah you guys who have been traveling as long as I have been. Seems some of us use Facebook to stroke or maybe stoke our egos. Egos are like that, they need to be cared for and fed. Facebook works like a feedbag.

You're in your room or office or a cafe. It's you and your computer screen. That combo seems to free people up from their inhibitions and lets them say things they might not face to face. Pair that with the fact that you are once again in touch with old classmates from the angst ridden teen years. Except now you have less angst and hopefully polished your people skills. Now it's time to play a little game I like to call Yeah I Still Got It. Doesn't matter if you never had it,everyone gets to play.

A funny line with a double entendre thrown out on occasion to someone you used to date or had a crush on is no biggie because the key word is occasion as in not all the time. We all need to feel like we did when we were kids once in a while. Just don't cross the line.

These are things you will find if you cross over to the other side of the line-
1.Suggestive pictures- doesn't matter how good you really do look after all these years and it's not just a girl thing. I've seen guys do it too.
2.Constantly commenting on *everything* someone's status says. I don't care how witty your comments are it just screams "Get a life!" and borders on stalking.
3 If s person is married you might not want to constantly bring up some fun time that was had so long ago. Not that you could threaten a good marriage but more out of respect for the spouse who might see it. Once (if you must) is more than enough.

There is also a flip side. If someone compliments you on how good you look it doesn't have to mean they want you! If they have fond memories of some good times, they are not necessarily looking for a repeat now! Most of it is just some good old fashioned fun. Get over yourself.

This is the side of social media PDA I like the least. I love me a little PDA from those that knew me as a skinny awkward kid. So bring it every once in a while...please. I do get sad for those who seem to need it so much. It means that what they're getting in real life is not what they need. At this point in life it's time to learn how to get what you need. You won't find it on anyones Facebook page. It's kinda like we're all coming of age... again!

TO BE CONTINUED

Seriously?

I could drink milk or OJ straight from the carton with the best of them if I drank either. I have taken off my clothes and left them in a heap by my bed like any man child, except I'm not a man. Dust does not scare me and neither do the dust bunnies hiding under my bed. They are actually very quiet. I miss the days when we had a platform bed and couldn't have bunnies.

Basically you get the picture. I was thankfully born when women were allowed to be more than the sum of their housework because otherwise I would have had to marry rich so I could pay someone to do it. Keeping this in mind you would then be pretty amused at my new mantra I keep repeating as I wander around the house doing whatever it is I'm doing.

Not a day goes by where you don't hear me mutter to myself "seriously?" It happens when I approach a sink full of dishes that has an empty dishwasher right next to it. It also happens when the dishwasher is full but not run. Sometimes the dishes are being run but the counter is clearly not wiped. There is of course my favorite "seriously" which is said above a stage whisper when the sponge is left in the sink all wet and not rinsed off. That goes for the small rag, well the small expensive microfiber cloth I use to clean the countertops. I love to find it in the sink not rinsed out and hung to dry. "SERIOUSLY?!" My all time fav however is that piece of paper that has fallen on the floor that no one picks up! I watch as they repeatedly walk by it. If I see it they have to see it. Then when I'm truly amazed that the paper is still there on the floor I mutter "seriously?" to no one in particular and then I pick it up.

So seriously folks, where did I go wrong? That's really the issue here. Granted, I'm not a neat freak. They sense that the way dogs sense fear. My brother in law and his kids would never do the aforementioned and I think I know why. My sister in law is a neat freak but that alone is not enough. I know many a neat freak who silently suffer as they clean other peoples messes. The missing element is fear. I did not properly instill fear in my clan. Now it's too late. Now it's just me yelling and them thinking "Yeah okay, get it out of your system and then you'll calm down and we can go back to normal!"

Oh the humanity! It's complicated as they say in Facebookese! Or rather I'm complicated. I hate cleaning. Yet ironically some things seem to bother me disproportionately. They say the first step is recognizing you have a problem. Oh wait... that's for bigger issues than this one! It may be too late for me but if you're just starting out remember to instill fear or be ready to pick up after people the rest of your life, Seriously!

The Case of the Snoop Dogg and the Tell Tale Heart

To look or not to look? I was recently at a round table discussion. Well it was lunch with friends from work and the table we sat at was indeed round! The panel consisted of only those of the female persuasion. Ages varied from over the hill, on the hill and just starting to climb the hill! Three Sadie Sadie married ladies, one divorcee, one single gal and one who can best be described as "it's complicated"!

So what is it that we should look at or not? Well it's not the eclipse although it can be just as damaging and wearing sunglasses will not help. It's all about partners who may or may not be on the prowl. Cheating. So what is a sane person to do? I've only known two divorces close up that involved a cheating spouse. In neither case where there the cliched lipstick on the collar or a hotel room key carelessly left in pants pockets and then thrown in the laundry.

In most cases it seems to start with a feeling. Something's not right but since you can't put your finger on it you shake it off at first. After a while you find it harder to ignore the signs of something gone awry. Pecks instead of real kisses. I love you is no longer part of the lexicon. Neither is sex which is truly a barometer of a healthy relationship. Dr Ruth would be so proud of me! Efforts in clothes or perfume go unnoticed. Basically whatever you do goes unnoticed. In the comment section of your life there are none. Not even a thumbs up "like" comes your way. They may still ask how was your day but when you start talking there are never any questions or comments that show a real interest. It's small talk. Very small talk.

Examples of a disconnect abound. In one case my friend had all the signs of a disconnect but she never got the chance to figure out what to do with it. She quite by accident ran into him where he should not have been. Ooops there it is! My other friend had only suspicion to go on so she decided to go look.

She looked at his emails, in his briefcase, and the phone bill because there were constant calls for him when it was clearly family/couple time like at 10pm on a Friday or Saturday night. I can't remember if she suffered through the cliched hang up when she answered the phone. She couldn't afford a PI so she followed him. In the end she found what she was looking for.

So the question was simple. Do you invade someones privacy to confirm a suspicion when your heart is a stake? I said no. No looking. "But he's making a fool out of you" was the dissenters reply, almost like a Greek chorus. Surprisingly the non marrieds were all for the looky loo in this situation. Us married and was married were split. I was clearly in the minority.

So why shouldn't someone look? You invade someones privacy when you do that and if that isn't stating the obvious I don't know what is! Even liars have a right to their privacy. The bottom line is that they'll still be liars and they will still have broken your heart. You'll just know about it a little later. When you're clinging on for dear life you can still hang on to that thing called integrity.

Instead, use your words. What's wrong with asking the other person? Give them a chance to come clean. Yeah it'll hurt but we are all adults and eventually the hurt will lessen and you'll get to move on to something better. Some of the panel rightfully stated that you might not get an honest answer. Some people are chicken and some people want the best of both worlds. Some people don't want to upset the kids no matter how old they are. They would rather torture you! Yet in the face of this strong argument I stood firm.

Don't look. Not at what's not meant for you to see. I believe the universe eventually works in your favor and you will get to see the truth whatever that truth may be. Not all the signs I talked about are specific symptoms of cheating only. They are definitely symptoms of relationship malaise. So what do you do if you don't find the truth or maybe you feel you've been waiting too long and you are tired of the pain? There seem to be two options. Try again. Be loving. Put yourself out there in ways you held back out of fear. Never regret loving someone. Door number two is simply opening your clenched fist and letting it go. Then walk through the door and close it behind you.

Turkey Day?

I was brushing my teeth, or washing my face or maybe I was putting on my makeup. It all happened so fast I can't remember the details but there it was. Well I think it was. I certainly heard the gobble gobble of the turkeys in my ear.

I may have a waddle. That little bit of loose skin at the junction where your neck meets the base of your head under the chin area. Yes,I cowrote Grey's Anatomy. Not the show people,the actual book on anatomy! The whole bit about "the junction" where neck meets head was a giveaway right? I'm a technical nerd that way. Okay, even I can't say that with a straight face, or write it for that matter!

Members of the jury, I know what I saw, even if it was for just a moment. I may not always see it although I try to recreate the moment. I wonder if there is a difference in mirrors. You know how some mirrors make you look heavier? Maybe some show waddle even if it's barely there. But I know what I saw! I also know better than to ask the one dearest to me because he ain't stupid. I'll ask the question and what he will hear is "Does this outfit make me look fat?!"

In the meantime I keep touching my neck. Maybe I should learn to tie a scarf in all sorts of decorative ways. Turtlenecks in summer? Could be a new trend. Could also be stupid! Some days this aging thing is just not fair. I think if you've made it this far there should be some kind of reward. A physical one. Life is backwards! That and waddles belong on turkeys unless you're married to Richard Fish!

"A Poem is a Naked Person"- Bob Dylan

I found a journal of poetry I had kept that my sixteen year old self wrote. It was filled with my words and those of others that I appreciated at the time. What an eclectic taste I had. I had poems from Laurence Furlenghetti alongside poems by Erica Jong and Susan Polis Shutz who was a feminist shlock meister from the late 60's/early 70's. I wrote down great lyrics from Bob Dylan the master alongside lyrics to some sappy Diana Ross hit from back then when she was making hits. How could I love both the truly worthy and the crap of the crop? My answer is a number. Sixteen. All I can say is that at least I had the sense to recognize some of the greats.

Reading my own poetry was a kick. I tried to remember who I was writing about or what event in my life was happening that led me to write. I couldn't always remember. It's funny because a lot of what I wrote was crap! No other way to describe it. Those poems will never see the light of day but I thought I would share a few of the good ones or rather the ones that are not embarrassingly god awful! It's nice to be able to look back and glimpse who I once was so I figured I would lock the car doors and take you along for the ride. Not all at once. Just some short trips so no need to scream "Are we there yet!"

This poem I wrote about a friend who would spend time with me writing poetry. She gave me the idea for the journal.

Murky water colored sea
India inks with pen
Life lines on a page
Guitar strings
Cries from the depth
With flower blue eyes that tell stories
Time passes
Smoke curling upward
Coffee consumed
Fragility
Soft soul
Like a Raggedy Ann with I Love You written on her heart

Love Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry

What is this thing called love we all seem to believe in yet it's not a thing that you can actually see and touch. In fact, how interesting that most people believe love exists without question, but the same can't be said for the big guy God. We can't see God anymore than we can see love. I'm not going to go all biblical on you, just a random observance of mine. I started to think about love after all my posts on sex and Rock and Roll. You know, all you need is love!

Someone I came across some years ago, described what love is in a way that I liked. He said that you first need to imagine that you are like a house. You might invite someone over that you don't know very well. They stay in the living room where you offer them a little refreshment while they visit. Someone you like a lot might get a quick tour of the house and they can come into the kitchen while you prepare some snacks. Someone you love, you let wander around your house unchaperoned.

But what is it about a person that we love, and makes us love them? I've been doing it for 30 years now! He has wandered this old house and he has stayed! So I love him for that. As I started thinking about it I realized that some of why I love him has to do with me me me! I love that I can feel safe in his arms. I love that he knows the crazy and still loves me. I love that he really wants me to be happy. You see what I mean? Me< me, me!

So this intrepid reporter ( blogger doesn't have the same ring to it) decided to think about the other non me related things that make me love him. He is addicted to TV. He loves to read. He would prefer to stay home and hang out than run from thing to thing. He has a snarky sense of humor but never needs to shock you to be funny. He has the discipline to write a book. His discipline with working out/eating right while admirable can sometimes get on my nerves aka jealousy. Family is number one. When the kids need him just to be there, he's there! He does the dishes AND washes the floor. He is great at political debate. His eyes. His love of animals. The touch of grey in his scruffy beard. Well in all fairness that's new. So you see, love grows over time!

Maybe love does mean never having to say your sorry, although there is a man in my life who will tell you that if I said that then I would be full of shit! Ah well, it's a great line from a great movie about a love that is fierce. Maybe love isn't meant to mean something. It's meant to be felt.

I know. It's Only Rock and Roll....

But I like it! Yes I do! Rock is the anthem of my generation. It gave birth to Pop rock, soft rock and even Bubble Gum! There's Folk Rock and Southern Rock and it's all Rock and Roll to me! I'm not really sure when it happened but I lost touch. My guiding rule of thumb for this moment had always been a radio station slogan. "If it's too loud, you're too old!" Well it's not too loud!

So how did this happen to me? This, this thing called there is music out there I don't know! It's not like I think the name is Ke, dollar sign, ha (ke$ha) or anything. I may watch too much Glee. Does that make me stuck in the past like Mr Shuster? Maybe it's karma from when I laughed behind an older persons back who called R.E.M. rem, like the kind of sleep you are in when you are in it deep! Whatever the reason, there is music out there that I don't know or at best I may have heard of the artist but couldn't name any of their songs!

To a large extent I blame the iPod. I never listen to the radio. Not even while driving. MTV? It lost it's charm for me. You have to listen to a lot of crap to get to the good stuff. And there you have it. The iPod gives me the music I love whenever I need music and more telling is that for every new song I like there are 20 I don't.

Here's the part that prompted me to write about it. I'm not sure I really care! I have Jimi Hendrix and today you have what? Lady Gaga? I have the Beatles and the Stones. I'm not even sure what there is today with that kind of staying power. I have Motown for cruising. I have James Taylor and Carol King for those reach out and touch someone moments. I have Elton John and Stevie Wonder. Bob Dylan and Tom Petty. Janis Joplin who might never have made it on MTV. Enough said. We have good music. Really good music. It's so good, that we can be forgiven for the Bubble Gum stuff.

This phenomena that I am experiencing is an age thing. I'm okay with it. I can blame it on my iPod but look at my kids iPods. They are constantly refilled with new music. So it's not the iPod, it's me! I'm just grateful to all the great artists that fill up my iPod. They rock. If you want to "educate" me then blip some new good tunes and send them my way. I'll listen. In the mean time I'll bemoan the death of album art!

The Court of Appeal

So I yakked about sexy in my last post. Now instead of bringing sexy back I thought we could talk about sex appeal. Sexy is that thing that comes from the inside out. It's what makes the opposite sex go hmmmm. Sex appeal is the wrapping paper for the package. Not that package! You can't just tie a bow around it guys! What I was thinking was how do mere mortals as opposed to the Brangelinas of the world get some of that sex appeal.

Sex appeal is like the word says, about others finding the idea of sex with you appealing. Looks obviously play into it. The rules of attraction vary from person to person. What I think is hot you may not. So I'm going to skirt the issue of physicality a little bit.

When you meet someone what are the things you notice right away? First thing I notice is a persons eyes. Not the color but more like what are they saying. Is there a sense of mystery there that I could get lost in? That for me is part of the sex appeal of a person. How expressive are their eyes.

Next up is their hands. It's not a deal breaker but I don't like ham hocks for hands. However, more important than the shape of the hand or fingers is how well he can use those hands! Ladies, a good pair of hands is more important than the size of the magicians wand and you know that! A guy that knows how to touch someone well...sigh. A good pair of hands is hard to find.

So how do we up our appeal? First by appealing to the sense of smell. Ladies and gentleman step away from the heavy smells or the urge to overdose. A clean light scent rocks. I don't need to make an appeal for good hygiene do I? If you're not clean we aren't gonna go there! In case that needed to be said, I said it!

Touch. Soft skin and yes, even if you're a guy! Best way to get it is a sugar scrub while you take a shower. Sugar. The kind that you put in your coffee or whatever followed by some baby oil or other really rich moisturizer and you are as soft as a babies tush. Guys, go read GQ to find out how you get soft skin. Not sure about the sugar and all that hair on your bodies.

Sex appeal needs to cover all the senses. So here's looking at you kid. No shlumpy sweats. Show off the body parts you like. A little cleavage? Nice legs or some JLo booty? Guys, buy clothes that fit! No baggy shirts or ass crack baggy pants. We wanna see the goods!

With a little effort we can all boost our appeal and that boosts our inner mojo that makes the opposite sex take notice. It doesn't matter if you are twenty something or boomer something! If you're a boomer something like me than get your appeal on baby, it's definitely not over yet!

Where Does Sexy Come From?

I'm not sure I've figured it out yet even though I've had long enough! There have been different times in my life where men have found me to be sexy (not to be confused with pretty). So what the hell were they seeing? If I knew I would have bottled it!

What got me thinking was the guy whose picture is up there at the top. He's a contestant on American Idol this year. Yes I watch Idol? Wanna make something of it? (Can't take the NYer out of this girl) So he looks like a nice enough guy, but be honest, you'd walk right by him on a busy street. You wouldn't turn your head for another look. So after his performance why were girls screaming for him? He was suddenly sexy.

I wish sexy was easier to define than I know it when I see it. It's easier for me to tell you what isn't sexy. To put us all on the same page (even if it gets a little crowded) sexy is not the same thing as having sex appeal. Sex appeal is all about external things. Sex appeal is about the pretty but you don't need to be pretty/handsome to be sexy. Okay, so it doesn't hurt... I took a moment there to daydream about my favorite hunk!

So sexy really isn't about the external which means that sexy clothes or lingerie is actually a misnomer. They should be called "I want to have sex" clothes! Now while everyone has different ideas about what sexy is, there is one thing that most women find sexy in a guy. It happens any time he does the dishes! Am I right ladies? No sixpack abs needed. Are you paying attention guys? I hope my guy reads this post. Hopefully it will lead to a lot of clean dishes if you know what I mean!

Incredible talent is sexy. Clean dishes are sexy. What else? A little bit of the bad boy is sexy. So is kindness and definitely a sense of humor. These three things might be like the trifecta of sexy.

So what if you have this wonderful guy. What can he do, besides of course the dishes? He can look at you like he really sees you. He can hold your face in his hands and slowly kiss you. He can jump up and hug you when you meet somewhere like a restaurant, a party or just by chance. He can make you feel like you're the only woman in the room. Funny how when a guy makes you feel good, he becomes sexy.

Sexy is as sexy does! So just do it!

Weeds

Is it the TV show, the stuff that gives you some good rastaman vibes or those pesky plants that grow anywhere? How about none of the above. I'm weeding but it's the garden in my closest and the weeds are the clothes I need to get rid of...or do I?

It's a hard process and I am not a hoarder so I can only imagine what those people go through! My closet became a mess and I had no idea anymore what I had and what I didn't have which is amazing because I don't have a lot. So I decided it was time to tend to my garden closet because I am going shopping! My new clothes should really have a nicer home.

First to go were T shirts and tank tops that were too short. What jackass decided belly shirts were a good thing? Actually I'm not sure the designer is to blame. We are, because we bought them! Honestly though, even when my stomach gets back to it's non protruding self I will not wear them. So out they go! Oh and I don't care how young you are,if you don't have washboard abs I'm calling the fashion police. In my fashion defense I never bought those ridiculously pointy shoes and boots that were in style some years ago. And yes I did laugh at all of you who bought them!

The next obstacle in my closet also has to do with size. The dreaded fat clothes and the beloved skinny clothes. As I write this I have decided to rid myself of the fat clothes. I want to be my perfect weight. I don't need those clothes sitting there and telling me " It's okay, eat all the cookies. We'll still fit you!" The skinny clothes will take some more consideration. The stick skinny clothes are out. That isn't my perfect weight. As for the rest, I'll keep what's timeless and the ultra trendy stuff will set new trends on some skinny bitch that is having money trouble. I'm donating the good stuff.

Last but not least is the biggest conundrum of them all. What if it comes back in style? Trust me, when you've been around the fashion block for as long as I have things come back. So how do you chose? If you love it then keep it. If not then say bye bye and if the style comes back buy new. For me, I keep anything that might be classified as hippie chic and also jeans that I love. To this day I regret throwing out bell bottoms I used to have. They came back! Now that I am who I am and I own it, I will wear things that are not totally in! So while I do follow fashion trends I still have one foot in the past. Speaking of feet, don't get me started on shoes! In other words, keep what you love that might come back if you would actually wear it despite what Vogue magazine says. Or keep it if it has sentimental value. The sweater/jeans/Tshirt you wore when you saw The Rolling Stones would fall under this genre. You can't predict fashion except to say that everything old will become new again. We just don't know when, so go with your heart.

Clothes that I don't wear seem to grow like weeds in my closet. Could it be a metaphor for other things in my life?

The Name Game

I did it! It took me long enough but hells yeah, I did it! Naming things has always been hard for me, whether it be a character or the title of something I am writing. It's as if sub consciously I think that in their names lies their destiny so I better get it right. When I initially named this blog Women My Age it was because I wanted to give a voice to women who are as you know, my age! That however was not the destiny of my blog since it became evident that it wasn't just a women thing. It was a generation thing!

At one point I asked for help on Facebook. There were some good suggestions but when I put them on they just didn't look right on me! So I let it go. Then, I think under the influence of an article written about baby boomers I tossed out two ideas to the facebook crowd. The first was Boomerage and the second was Terminally Boomer. Most people took issue with the use of the word terminal. As if we all aren't in the end! Most preferred Boomerage because they didn't want to be reminded re the terminal thing. I almost used it anyway. It was my favorite but in the end I shelved them both and just kept writing. I figured it was time to stop talking about it. You know "If you're going to shoot, shoot, don't talk!"

So I recently wrote a post "I'm Ready For My Closeup" and in it I wrote that I want to see coming of age movies about interesting middle aged characters. Coming of age...huh...pretty clever! It stuck with me because it's true. We come of age more than once in our lives. Any moviegoer knows we do it when we leave childhood behind but guess what? We do it when we marry/commit to someone, we do it when we become parents, we do it when we no longer have parents that are alive and we do it when we reach middle age!

By this time we have become who we are. There are still opportunities to be a better person. That never stops. But we are somebody and this is the age where it is time to own it! That's what this stage of coming of age feels like to me and why the name fit like a glove! Just not OJ's glove!

Then and Now

Am I a freak of nature or nurture?! Are there things about me that I came into this world with and things that are store bought? How does one know? I'll leave the scientific debate to the scientist as I embark on my quest to answer this perfectly good question.

Full disclosure time. I believe in nature versus nurture. I say this after raising two kids that are vastly different but were brought up exactly the same. Meaning I neglected them and or screwed up equally for both! The results were very different for each one of them. I realized then that as parenys we really aren't in control. Contain your collective gasps! Especially those parents giving their child every extra opportunity they can think of, I have only one thing to say to you. It's a good thing to expose your kids to different things but if he is not in his soul a musician then he won't be one. However the kid who did not get piano lessons from age six but is a born musician will be one and he will find his way despite the fact that he did not have that privilege.

So how was I wired when I came into this world? I decided to look at myself from well minute one till the sixth grade. Mini me! I know that I spoke at an early age. An old friend of my mother's always tells me how shocked she was when she came to say hi to me. I was still in my crib at the time and while most kids could talk I answered in a complete sentence. My parents were immigrants. English was not their first language so I think maybe I was born with a gift for stringing words together!

There is an old black and white picture of me at maybe a picnic. I've got a plate of food on my lap and it's outside somewhere. I'm wearing my Keds sneakers and a Danskin set. I love the picture because it wasn't posed. I have a look on my face that is very familiar to me. I am quietly observing the people around me. Like a sponge I watch and listen. Then I store it away until it becomes a character in something I write. Then I'm sure I wasn't aware of what I was doing or why. It was just something I did. Now it's something I do naturally but with purpose.

I day dreamed a lot. There was always a story swirling around in all that grey matter. All kids day dream. I just did more of it. I am convinced, as you can tell, that I was born to do something with the written word. Ironically, speaking, which also involves words is not my forte. Ask me to describe something I am writing and I get tongue tied. It's not pretty! Yet if needed I can write the description. Go figure!

I was never meant to be an athlete. Not an athletic bone in my body. I was never meant to be a singer even though like every other contestant on American Idol I have been singing since I was two years old! Mathematician? God no! My report cards which my Mom saved attest to it. Scientist? As Sheldon Cooper would say "Bazinga!" In other words...no! I think my life has taken me in different directions but I seem to always come back to the written word, Now I'm just a lot wiser and I understand that this is where I am supposed to be! My teachers always talked about my unrealized potential. They may have been on to something!

My Big Theory of Relationships

I think the equation goes something like Man + Woman (or any combination thereof) = chaos. Even in a new relationship that's in the honeymoon stage there can be chaos. Do you think love is only a chemical reaction? Doesn't matter. At some point there will be chaos. Love exists. Doesn't matter if it is caused by chemistry or our hearts. We still can't touch it or hold it up and say "Here, take a look, *this* is love."

So we can't define love which hopefully leads to a relationship. Can we define relationships? Or rather can we define what makes a good relationship in all the ensuing chaos? For me it falls under the "but I know it when I see it" category. Let's start by tossing these babies out with the bath water! I've always wanted to do that so could finally understand that expression. What I mean to say is lets assume and of course by doing so we will make an ass out of u and me, that yadda yadda yadda trust and honesty are the foundations for a good relationship.

This post is NOT is a lecture on what a good relationship is because that's something different for everyone. It's more me rambling about me me me and what makes a good relationship for me. I gotta go with sharing. I'm not a do everything, like the exact same things kind of a gal. Too much of a good thing, me (!), would be too much for any man! If you wrote a blog you too could write crazy things about yourself . Seriously, for me, sharing is the glue that keeps this whole thing together.

So what should be shared? Well, chocolate but I think that goes without saying! Minus the minutiae I think that dishing about the funny, the sad or the things that made you angry about your day is a must. Must he know that oh I caused trouble at work? Maybe, or maybe not. I like it because it's a few minutes of reach out and touch someone that you haven't for a large chunk of time. My other fav things are when we share things like new books, movies we might want to see or a new philosophy/spirituality we might have found. The kind of things that make us grow and thankfully not in a dress size! The beauty here is that I don't have to like the book or see the movie. I don't want a relationship with my exact twin. I get more than enough of me. What's important is sharing our explorations. Then you never get so far away that you leave the other one behind.

I like to share things. Hugs. Kisses. Dog walking. Cleaning. The crazy in my head. The crazy in his head. The kids. They;re mine when they are good and his when they are not! I guess you could say we didn't learn about sharing in kindergarten for nothing!

Not the Boss of Me

Hello darkness, my old friend. You've come to talk to me again.

Self doubt is my dark old friend. He comes to visit without an invitation. Self Doubt is a he not a she. He's very seductive and for that reason he is a man to me! Like I said, I never know when he's coming but suddenly there he is and there I am listening to him. No , I don't here voices but what I do is feel suddenly less worth it. There is a lot of creativity involved in Self Doubt's modus operandi so it never gets boring!

Today someone I know said to me "I love starting off the day feeling like a complete failure." Should I feel jealous? Seems my friend had been visiting her too. Self doubt is normal I guess in that we all feel it. In small doses it might serve some purpose. Without it we'd all be pumped up obnoxiously conceited snobs. Well more so than we already are as human beings! Maybe it helps motivate us? I personally prefer chocolate and gold stars by my name for motivation.

Over the years he has come and I have let him stay till he gets bored and moves on. Not good. It was really only recently I learned a very simple thing and as usual I learned it the hard way! I can't stop Self Doubt from coming for a visit. However I'm the only one who gets to decide if I let him stay or not and truthfully I've come to realize that "I'm just not that into him!" In my Oprah "aha moment" I realized I didn't have to let him stay. So like a flash of a neon light that splits the night, he was banished.

I'm pretty sure he's out there roaming and now he has some free time on his hands. So hop on a bus Gus. Just drop off the key Lee and get yourself free! Sing it!

A Note To My Younger Self

Dear Me,
Remember how we used to go to the library for books? We devoured books didn't we? Of course we didn't have over a 100 channels on TV back then. We didn't have VCR's, DVD's, or iPods to entertain us. Oh, all those letters? Just google them. Oh wait, never mind, you don't have a computer. Of course I mean in the house! They're not just for Stuart Greene anymore kid! FYI the guys with the pocket protectors did really well. However girls still go for a bit of the bad boy. That hasn't changed. Probably never will. Then we get older and smarter!

Anyway, here's what made me think of you. It was around ten o'clock at night and I had just finished reading a book. I wasn't ready to go to sleep yet. Pretty cool huh? No bedtime for me! So anyway, I opened my computer and went to Amazon. It's a place you can buy books via your computer and you don't need to know any of that binary language shit, just English! So what if I use the occasional "bad word" It is definitely great to be able to do that without being yelled at. It's one of the perks of being an adult. However my thighs are not as thin and that's definitely not a perk! But I digress, we still have that in common. So I picked out the book I wanted and then got out my kindle. I read books on a kindle now. You know I thought I would hate it. I love the feel of holding an actual book in my hands. A kindle is a hand held electronic device, about the size of a paperback book only thin. The books, or rather the written words of the books appear on it. I wonder if it's all done by the same little guy in the TV set! Anyway, I picked out the book I wanted to read and voila in less than a minute there it was on my kindle! Did I mention that I never left my bed?!

No I haven't been watching too many Jetsons cartoons! Although there is this thing for cleaning floors called a Roomba...oh never mind! FYI you do finally meet your prince. However might I suggest being kinder to Mom. You see one day she'll give you the curse. Yep, that one, the one where she wishes that you have kids just like you. Well it works!

Mad love to you baby girl!

PS No flying cars...yet!

I'm Ready For My Closeup

FADE IN

INT: BAR, NIGHT
MADDY nervously plays with her empty glass.Tthe BARTENDER, glances her way and she smiles. Their is a twinkle in her eyes as the tiny smile lines appear. She self consciously reaches up and puts a strand of hair with a few greys behind her ear.

The bartender pours drinks for other CUSTOMERS sitting at the opposite end of the bar.

She looks around her at the PEOPLE sitting along the bar. Most of them are couples. She shakes her head and throws some cash next to her empty drink. She gets up to go.

The bartender comes over.

BARTENDER
Can I get you anything?

MADDY
Apparently not.

She turns to leave.

He shrugs his shoulders and scoops up the money from the bar.

She talks a few steps and then turns back to the bar.

MADDY
Hey, I'm

She stops mid sentence a she sees the bartender is leaning over the bar flirting with a young blonde woman.

She takes a step back and crashes into a handsome GUY around her age.

He steps back to take a look at her.

Lets cut the scene right here. We don't know a lot about the characters. From the bare bones description we get that she is middle aged. Who does the movie industry care about? The hunky bartender and the sweet young thing at the bar or the seasoned veterans who may or may not be experiencing love at first sight?

Actually what matters more is really what we decide we want to see. They just need to know that we are willing to pay for it There's all sorts of drama and mayhem in our lives. Like it or not we are like no other generation as they enter Act II Scene II of life. We won't STFU and gracefully fade away. In fact the only things I like faded are my jeans!

I want to see coming of age movies for middle aged interesting people. HEY, if twenty somethings are writing about quarter life crisis then I get to come of age. Can you believe it? A quarter life crisis? Ah, youth is wasted on the young! So for the rest of us the kids are grown and the possibilities for what's next are endless. The only remaining question is, if I write it, will you come?