In Whose Image?

I was getting dressed to go out. Nothing fancy so there was no outfit planned for the occasion. So I get dressed and I look in the mirror and it just wasn't flattering. We're supposed to leave in a matter of minutes. I want to have fun and not let my clothes ruin my evening so I asked the man in my life if we had 5 minutes because I wanted to change clothes. He took a deep breath and I changed my outfit in less than five minutes!

So nu, what is the big deal? This kind of thing happens everyday in every part of the world except for nudist colonies and there I'm guessing the woman would just choose to stay in! The deal is that woman are so tied in with their physical appearance. Much more than men. Case in point, my husband. He knows this happens to women but being a man he doesn't get it on a molecular level. I don't think even the most metrosexual man would get it.

My issue is really with myself or rather myself as I think the world values and or judges me. I realize that the reality is a little different. Instead of a long dissertation about me it's probably more like, "she gained a little weight" or "she used to be so thin". Then for those who don't know me it's "so that's his wife..hmmm". We all know that as we age we are checking other people out to see how they are aging. It's like a measuring stick where you are either above the notch that say's "she didn't age so well" or below "damn how did she keep that body."

I know men get judged but not to the extent that women do. I think as women age we are judged by a harder to attain standard of beauty because it is a younger standard of beauty. The irony in all this is that I am the definition of low maintenance. I can't tell you the date of the last manicure I had because it has been that long. So how do these feelings surface for someone who would rather be doing other stuff than primping?

One answer, and it would be true, is that I have a little more vanity than I like to admit. However I do not have a lot of shoes no matter what my husband will tell you! I'm pretty sure these gremlins called negative feelings come out when I lose my balance. It happens when the scales of my self esteem weigh in too much on the low side. As the name suggests this esteem comes from none other than our selves. We can give and we can take away from our esteem.

Over time I have discovered just how much I tied my image, the outer wrapping, to my weight because I was always the skinny one. No diets and I could wear anything. I forget the akwardness and yearning for a few curves when I'm in the midst of one of these funks. In my funkadelic mind trip I rocked! Pair that with societal standards and you know it's not going to end well.

I don't have a magic solution. I changed my outfit but that doesn't always work. Breath. Have a glass of wine. Tell your bad vibes to go fuck off. Hang with the people that love you. Look at the judgementalists as if *you* are judging *them* and then walk away laughing. Okay so you're really laughing at yourself. On second thought skip the laughing if you are by yourself! Choose one or all of the above. The wine goes well with any of them, red or white. While you're busy with your plan the feeling will pass. They always do. Wine helps!